First, acknowledge ways the coronavirus has changed their lives.
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When I spoke to her for last week’s newsletter about long-term effects of the coronavirus pandemic on children, Rahil Briggs, Psy.D., mentioned the metaphor of the dandelion and the orchid. It’s a theory developed by Dr. Thomas Boyce, M.D., a pediatrician and researcher, and it posits that the vast majority of children are “dandelions” — pretty resilient and able to deal with stress as it comes.
But, Dr. Boyce estimates about 20 percent of children are “orchids.” As he described them on NPR’s “Fresh Air” in 2019, “the orchid child is the child who shows great sensitivity and susceptibility to both bad and good environments.” They may be more sensitive because of a combination of biological and environmental reasons.
You know if you have an orchid, and he may be struggling more than usual right now, with all of the changes this pandemic has wrought on his quotidian life. Dr. Boyce’s research shows that orchids thrive on regular routines — routines that have had to be rejiggered considerably in the past month or two. I spoke to experts about what you can do to help your anxious children right now. Though these methods are geared toward orchids, they can work on your upset dandelions as well.
Label what’s happening. Just acknowledging the recent changes to your children’s lives can feel validating, said Becky Kennedy, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York City. “With young kids, you can keep an ongoing list of things that have changed and things that have stayed the same,” Dr. Kennedy said. Brainstorm this list verbally with your kids — for example, “You used to go to a school building, that has changed, but you still have Mommy tucking you in every night, that’s the same.” By doing so, it will make them feel less alone in their feelings, because they’ll know they’re not the only one noticing that things aren’t the way they used to be.
Resolve your own anxiety. We have given this advice before, so apologies for being a broken record. But several of the experts we spoke to emphasized that parents’ anxiety can make kids feel unsettled. “Our kids are brilliant emotional detectives of their parents,” said Abi Gewirtz, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of Minnesota, and the author of the forthcoming book, “When the World Feels Like a Scary Place: Essential Conversations for Anxious Parents and Worried Kids.” If you are showing your anxiety, “it can leach out into interactions” with your children, Dr. Gewirtz said. The Times put together 10 tips for easing your anxiety. (Ten Tips Link)
Teach children mindfulness techniques. Progressive muscle relaxation — where you tense and then release individual groups of muscles — can be helpful for anxious kids, said Dunya Poltorak, Ph.D., a pediatric medical psychologist in private practice in Birmingham, Mich. The University of Washington has a progressive muscle-relaxing script just for little ones (Script Link) that you can read to your children. GoZen!, an organization that helps children manage their anxiety, has a YouTube video that can also help guide your kids through progressive muscle relaxation.
Another behavioral technique that can make children feel better is deep breathing, Dr. Poltorak said — here are some deep breathing exercises from Jamie, our Cosmic Kids Yoga queen. (Cosmic Kid Link)
Create a schedule with pictures. Predictability is very important for anxious children, said Sally Beville Hunter, Ph.D., a clinical assistant professor at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, and one way to soothe kids who don’t read yet is to make a schedule that has images depicting the routine of the day. “I don’t think having really detailed schedules is necessary or even helpful,” Dr. Hunter said. We’re all overwhelmed right now, so don’t worry about making some elaborate plan that would be impossible to execute. “It can be as simple as, here are four things we do every day”: breakfast, lunch, dinner, cuddles.
9 Books to Help Calm an Anxious Toddler
These days, anxiety is on the rise in all age groups, and toddlers are not immune. Children’s books publishers have responded to the spike by producing more books aimed specifically at helping kids cope with all this ambient anxiety.
‘Poor Little Rabbit!,’ by Jörg Mühle
This brilliant board book invites a child to “help” someone else who’s hurting — which works wonders to induce a calmer state of mind. Little Rabbit has fallen down and scraped his arm, leaving a red mark. Your toddler is invited to “try blowing on it.” Uh-oh: On the next page, Little Rabbit wails, “There’s blood!” A Band-Aid (with bunnies on it, of course) appears. “Can you put it on?” comes next, but tears still stream down the distressed bunny’s face. And so on, until the bunny feels better — and, chances are, your toddler does too.
‘Quiet,’ by Tomie dePaola
The esteemed creator of “Strega Nona,” who has practiced meditation for years, has made this beautifully spare picture book that teaches mindfulness to children in a non-preachy way. A grandfather, two grandchildren and a dog watch what’s around them: bees on a patch of flowers, a praying mantis climbing a lily stalk, a mother fox curled with her young in a hidden den. “My, oh my,” the grandfather says. “Everything is in such a hurry.” The family sits on a bench in order to relax, notice, see deeper and describe: a recipe for a peaceful state of mind.
‘Here and Now,’ by Julia Denos. Illustrated by E.B. Goodale
Full of soft, detailed illustrations, this is another good book to help a kid slow down and become more mindful. It starts with an inarguable statement: “Right here, right now, you are reading this book.” Then it calls attention to events occurring elsewhere: ants building, ideas forming, animals living and breathing. One breathtaking spread shows an airplane carrying people, other people sitting below in a field, and the earthworms, fossils and rocks beneath them.
‘Anxious Charlie to the Rescue,’ by Terry Milne
Inspired by Milne’s own daughter’s struggles with anxiety and repetitive behaviors, this charming tale features a habit-bound dachshund who is called upon to rescue a friend stuck in a pipe. His success makes him so happy, he dares to vary his routine — just a little bit, at first. Little ones controlled by worries may find a ray of light in this pup’s small victory.
‘Ping,’ by Ani Castillo
The poofy red creature in this wise book is here to demonstrate a crucial life lesson that can help small children with social anxiety: Go ahead and put yourself out there — what Castillo calls a Ping — but remember, you can’t control how other people will react — the Pong. The creature Pings by painting, singing and “expressing feelings that just need to burst out.” Then it’s time to breathe deeply, listen for Pongs and decide what to do in response. So many books these days offer kids social-emotional counsel; this one delivers down-to-earth ideas in a refreshingly direct package.
‘The Rabbit Listened,' by Cori Doerrfeld
For an agitated toddler, this lovely book is like a cool drink of water on a hot day. A child named Taylor, who’s wonderfully drawn to be either a boy or a girl, builds a block tower that falls down. Everyone who comes by to help, including a chicken and an elephant, is full of well-meaning advice. Only a silent rabbit offers what Taylor — like all of us — needs: the comfort of someone who will just listen, laugh and give a hug.
‘I Am Loved,’ by Nikki Giovanni. Illustrated by Ashley Bryan2
Reading poetry, with its rhythm, repetition and incantational power, is a great way to create a mood of reassurance for an anxious child. This playful collection for children from the distinguished poet Nikki Giovanni and the distinguished illustrator Ashley Bryan focuses on the most reassuring thing of all — love — without being mushy. The short poems float by like feathers, encouraging children to tune into their own self-love as well as the embrace of their families and communities. Bryant’s colorful artwork is warm and welcoming.
‘Most People,’ by Michael Leannah. Illustrated by Jennifer E. Morris
Most people are good: That’s the simple message of this deeply reassuring book, and it couldn’t be more timely, given the conflict, stress and negativity even the littlest kids pick up from the grown-up world these days. Most people, we are reminded, also love to smile and want to help other people — in fact, there are many, many more good people than bad ones. There’s also a story unfolding here, as two characters play out the words we are reading.
‘Bear and Wolf,’ by Daniel Salmieri
Sometimes a serene and philosophical picture book is just the thing to improve a frazzled mood and set the world right. In this one a bear and a wolf, out for nighttime walks, cross paths and decide to hike together, first through snowy winter vistas, then later through green springtime fields. Nothing much happens. Their peaceful companionship and mutual appreciation of sublime natural beauty are more than enough.
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