Anxiety Coping Mechanisms - In The Age of Social Distancing

Kat Schneider - April 19, 2020 - The New York Times

I started therapy last year for post-traumatic stress disorder and anxiety. It took a few tries before I felt comfortable, but thankfully, I stuck with it and learned a few coping methods that have proven especially helpful during social distancing.

Why Talking About Our Problems Helps So Much (and How to Do It)

There’s more to the age-old advice to just “talk it out” than there seems. Here’s some of the evidence that explains why it is so helpful.

By Eric Ravenscraft     The New York Times   https://www.nytimes.com/

·        April 3, 2020

When your car breaks down, you either know how to fix it or how to find someone who can. Emotions, on the other hand, are a little harder to fix. There is no wrench you can grab or repair shop you can take your feelings to. But you do have one tool in your kit you can always use: talking about your feelings. Even just speaking about your feelings out loud to another person can help. So why do we avoid it or believe it doesn’t work? 

There are a lot of reasons talking about our problems can be difficult. Some people (especially men) are socialized to internalize feelings, rather than give voice to them. Sometimes the very emotions you’re dealing with — like guilt over something you did, or shame about how you think you’re perceived — can feel so overwhelming that you can’t get up the motivation to talk it out.

Regardless of the reason you might keep it in, talking has powerful psychological benefits that might not be obvious. “Talking about it” is a broad phrase, though, so let’s clarify a bit. When we discuss talking about your problems, it can take a few forms.

Venting to a trusted friend. Sometimes you just need to let out how you’re feeling with no real plan for a solution. “I had the worst day at work!” can be the start of a conversation that helps you process the stress of a hard day.

Discussing a conflict with a partner. Fights happen in relationships. But keeping your feelings to yourself can cause issues between you and your partner to fester. While working toward constructive solutions to your relationship problems is always a good thing, just being able to be open about your feelings with your partner can make your communication healthier as well.

Talk therapy with a licensed therapist. There’s a reason people will pay money to talk through problems with a therapist. Whether you need to discuss a mental illness you’re struggling with, are in couples counseling to work on your relationship or just need someone to talk to who knows how to handle stress, a good therapist can help you hash out your emotions.

Being open about your struggles. Sometimes venting to no one in particular can help not just you, but others as well. For example, in 2015 Sammy Nickalls, a writer, started the social media hashtag #TalkingAboutIt to encourage people to be open about their struggles with mental illness. The act of sharing what daily life is like can help you and others with the same struggles realize that you’re not alone and that what feels overwhelming is actually normal.

What all of these forms have in common is that they are conversations specifically designed to examine and express the emotions you are having, rather than building to a specific solution. Figuring out things you can do to improve your situation is certainly good, but just verbalizing how you’re feeling can, itself, be part of the solution as well.

Why does talking about it help?

Getting a new job, breaking up with a bad partner or investing in your own self-improvement are all practical things you can do to solve problems in your life. But what good does just talking about it do? When you’re fighting the exhausting uphill battle against your own negative feelings, it can seem as if talking about it is the least productive thing you can do.

In reality, your brain and body get a lot out of talking.

When you are feeling very intense feelings — especially fear, aggression or anxiety — your amygdala is running the show. This is the part of the brain that, among other things, handles your fight or flight response. It is the job of the amygdala, and your limbic system as a whole, to figure out if something is a threat, devise a response to that threat if necessary, and store the information in your memory so you can recognize the threat later. When you get stressed or overwhelmed, this part of your brain can take control and even override more logical thought processes.

Research from U.C.L.A. suggests that putting your feelings into words — a process called “affect labeling” — can diminish the response of the amygdala when you encounter things that are upsetting. This is how, over time, you can become less stressed over something that bothers you. For example, if you got in a car accident, even being in a car immediately afterward could overwhelm you emotionally. But as you talk through your experience, put your feelings into words and process what happened, you can get back in the car without having the same emotional reaction.

Research from Southern Methodist University suggested that writing about traumatic experiences or undergoing talk therapy had a positive impact on a patient’s health and immune system. The study argues that holding back thoughts and emotions is stressful. You have the negative feelings either way, but you have to work to repress them. That can tax the brain and body, making you more susceptible to getting sick or just feeling awful.

None of that is to say that talking about your problems, or even talk therapy with a licensed therapist, will automatically fix everything and immediately make you happy and healthy. But, like eating better and exercising, it can contribute to overall improvement in your well-being. More important, it can help you understand how and why you feel the way you do, so you can handle your emotions more effectively in the future.

How can we do it better?

Crucially, not every form of talking about problems aloud can help. In fact, multiple studies examining college students, young women and working adults suggest that co-rumination — or consistently focusing on and talking about negative experiences in your life — can have the opposite effect, making you more stressed and drawing out how long a problem bothers you. To talk about your problems more constructively, there are a few key things you can do.

Choose the right people to talk to. If you’ve ever talked about how you’re feeling and it seems as if you got nothing out of it, you might be talking to the wrong person. Having a trusted friend who will support you (without enabling bad habits like co-rumination) can help. If you need specific advice on a problem, find someone who has faced similar problems and, ideally, has resolved them. And if you need a lot of talk time, try spreading your conversations out to multiple people. One person can get worn out, and having a broad social support system lets you distribute that load.

Choose the right time to talk. Just as important as choosing who to talk to is when you talk to them. Your friends may want to support you, but they have their own lives. Asking if they have the time and energy to talk before unpacking your emotional bags can help you both be better equipped for the conversation. This also means being courteous about their time. Sometimes crises happen and you might need to interrupt someone, but most supportive conversations can wait.

Find a therapist, even if you’re not mentally ill. Therapists often have a reputation for being necessary only if you have a mental illness. This isn’t the case. You can go to therapy if you are feeling overly stressed, if you are not sleeping well or if you just want someone to talk to. Think of it less like seeing a doctor and more like a personal trainer. Also, remember that just as with doctors, mechanics or anyone else you hire, there are good ones and bad ones (or bad ones for you), so if you don’t have success the first time, try someone else.

Give yourself an endpoint. Not all conversations about your problems need to lead to a plan of action for tangible change, but they do need to lead to something other than more complaining. Give yourself space to vent about your feelings and, while doing so, focus on how you are feeling throughout the process. If you are getting more worked up, take a break. If you find yourself talking about the same things over and over without gaining any new understanding or feeling any relief, try something else to process how you are feeling. You may not be able to fix the external problem that is bothering you, but the goal should at least be to improve your mood about it.

Talk about the good as well as the bad. Expressing how you’re feeling is healthy. Expressing yourself only when you feel bad isn’t. Whether you are talking to friends, partners or on social media, be sure to share your good experiences and feelings when they come up. Talking about these experiences can reinforce them in your brain and make it easier to break out of negative thought patterns later. Plus, it helps build your relationships with the people you are close enough to talk to.

Of course, this process can still be messy. Some days, talking about your problems may just be complaining about something that happened at work, but others it may involve crying into someone’s shoulder for an hour. It can feel embarrassing or uncomfortable the first few times, but the more you open up, the easier it will get to share how you feel.

4 Ways to Help Your Anxious Kid

First, acknowledge ways the coronavirus has changed their lives.

By Jessica Grose   April 1, 2020   The New York Times

• 
  

When I spoke to her for last week’s newsletter about long-term effects of the coronavirus pandemic on children, Rahil Briggs, Psy.D., mentioned the metaphor of the dandelion and the orchid. It’s a theory developed by Dr. Thomas Boyce, M.D., a pediatrician and researcher, and it posits that the vast majority of children are “dandelions” — pretty resilient and able to deal with stress as it comes.

But, Dr. Boyce estimates about 20 percent of children are “orchids.” As he described them on NPR’s “Fresh Air” in 2019, “the orchid child is the child who shows great sensitivity and susceptibility to both bad and good environments.” They may be more sensitive because of a combination of biological and environmental reasons.

You know if you have an orchid, and he may be struggling more than usual right now, with all of the changes this pandemic has wrought on his quotidian life. Dr. Boyce’s research shows that orchids thrive on regular routines — routines that have had to be rejiggered considerably in the past month or two. I spoke to experts about what you can do to help your anxious children right now. Though these methods are geared toward orchids, they can work on your upset dandelions as well.

Label what’s happening. Just acknowledging the recent changes to your children’s lives can feel validating, said Becky Kennedy, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York City. “With young kids, you can keep an ongoing list of things that have changed and things that have stayed the same,” Dr. Kennedy said. Brainstorm this list verbally with your kids — for example, “You used to go to a school building, that has changed, but you still have Mommy tucking you in every night, that’s the same.” By doing so, it will make them feel less alone in their feelings, because they’ll know they’re not the only one noticing that things aren’t the way they used to be.

Resolve your own anxiety. We have given this advice before, so apologies for being a broken record. But several of the experts we spoke to emphasized that parents’ anxiety can make kids feel unsettled. “Our kids are brilliant emotional detectives of their parents,” said Abi Gewirtz, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of Minnesota, and the author of the forthcoming book, “When the World Feels Like a Scary Place: Essential Conversations for Anxious Parents and Worried Kids.” If you are showing your anxiety, “it can leach out into interactions” with your children, Dr. Gewirtz said. The Times put together 10 tips for easing your anxiety. (Ten Tips Link)

Teach children mindfulness techniques. Progressive muscle relaxation — where you tense and then release individual groups of muscles — can be helpful for anxious kids, said Dunya Poltorak, Ph.D., a pediatric medical psychologist in private practice in Birmingham, Mich. The University of Washington has a progressive muscle-relaxing script just for little ones (Script Link) that you can read to your children. GoZen!, an organization that helps children manage their anxiety, has a YouTube video that can also help guide your kids through progressive muscle relaxation.

Another behavioral technique that can make children feel better is deep breathing, Dr. Poltorak said — here are some deep breathing exercises from Jamie, our Cosmic Kids Yoga queen. (Cosmic Kid Link)

Create a schedule with pictures. Predictability is very important for anxious children, said Sally Beville Hunter, Ph.D., a clinical assistant professor at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, and one way to soothe kids who don’t read yet is to make a schedule that has images depicting the routine of the day. “I don’t think having really detailed schedules is necessary or even helpful,” Dr. Hunter said. We’re all overwhelmed right now, so don’t worry about making some elaborate plan that would be impossible to execute. “It can be as simple as, here are four things we do every day”: breakfast, lunch, dinner, cuddles.

                                                                                                                    

9 Books to Help Calm an Anxious Toddler

These days, anxiety is on the rise in all age groups, and toddlers are not immune. Children’s books publishers have responded to the spike by producing more books aimed specifically at helping kids cope with all this ambient anxiety.

‘Poor Little Rabbit!,’ by Jörg Mühle

This brilliant board book invites a child to “help” someone else who’s hurting — which works wonders to induce a calmer state of mind. Little Rabbit has fallen down and scraped his arm, leaving a red mark. Your toddler is invited to “try blowing on it.” Uh-oh: On the next page, Little Rabbit wails, “There’s blood!” A Band-Aid (with bunnies on it, of course) appears. “Can you put it on?” comes next, but tears still stream down the distressed bunny’s face. And so on, until the bunny feels better — and, chances are, your toddler does too.

‘Quiet,’ by Tomie dePaola

The esteemed creator of “Strega Nona,” who has practiced meditation for years, has made this beautifully spare picture book that teaches mindfulness to children in a non-preachy way. A grandfather, two grandchildren and a dog watch what’s around them: bees on a patch of flowers, a praying mantis climbing a lily stalk, a mother fox curled with her young in a hidden den. “My, oh my,” the grandfather says. “Everything is in such a hurry.” The family sits on a bench in order to relax, notice, see deeper and describe: a recipe for a peaceful state of mind.

‘Here and Now,’ by Julia Denos. Illustrated by E.B. Goodale

Full of soft, detailed illustrations, this is another good book to help a kid slow down and become more mindful. It starts with an inarguable statement: “Right here, right now, you are reading this book.” Then it calls attention to events occurring elsewhere: ants building, ideas forming, animals living and breathing. One breathtaking spread shows an airplane carrying people, other people sitting below in a field, and the earthworms, fossils and rocks beneath them.

‘Anxious Charlie to the Rescue,’ by Terry Milne

Inspired by Milne’s own daughter’s struggles with anxiety and repetitive behaviors, this charming tale features a habit-bound dachshund who is called upon to rescue a friend stuck in a pipe. His success makes him so happy, he dares to vary his routine — just a little bit, at first. Little ones controlled by worries may find a ray of light in this pup’s small victory.

‘Ping,’ by Ani Castillo

The poofy red creature in this wise book is here to demonstrate a crucial life lesson that can help small children with social anxiety: Go ahead and put yourself out there — what Castillo calls a Ping — but remember, you can’t control how other people will react — the Pong. The creature Pings by painting, singing and “expressing feelings that just need to burst out.” Then it’s time to breathe deeply, listen for Pongs and decide what to do in response. So many books these days offer kids social-emotional counsel; this one delivers down-to-earth ideas in a refreshingly direct package.

‘The Rabbit Listened,' by Cori Doerrfeld

For an agitated toddler, this lovely book is like a cool drink of water on a hot day. A child named Taylor, who’s wonderfully drawn to be either a boy or a girl, builds a block tower that falls down. Everyone who comes by to help, including a chicken and an elephant, is full of well-meaning advice. Only a silent rabbit offers what Taylor — like all of us — needs: the comfort of someone who will just listen, laugh and give a hug.

‘I Am Loved,’ by Nikki Giovanni. Illustrated by Ashley Bryan2

Reading poetry, with its rhythm, repetition and incantational power, is a great way to create a mood of reassurance for an anxious child. This playful collection for children from the distinguished poet Nikki Giovanni and the distinguished illustrator Ashley Bryan focuses on the most reassuring thing of all — love — without being mushy. The short poems float by like feathers, encouraging children to tune into their own self-love as well as the embrace of their families and communities. Bryant’s colorful artwork is warm and welcoming.

‘Most People,’ by Michael Leannah. Illustrated by Jennifer E. Morris

Most people are good: That’s the simple message of this deeply reassuring book, and it couldn’t be more timely, given the conflict, stress and negativity even the littlest kids pick up from the grown-up world these days. Most people, we are reminded, also love to smile and want to help other people — in fact, there are many, many more good people than bad ones. There’s also a story unfolding here, as two characters play out the words we are reading.

‘Bear and Wolf,’ by Daniel Salmieri

Sometimes a serene and philosophical picture book is just the thing to improve a frazzled mood and set the world right. In this one a bear and a wolf, out for nighttime walks, cross paths and decide to hike together, first through snowy winter vistas, then later through green springtime fields. Nothing much happens. Their peaceful companionship and mutual appreciation of sublime natural beauty are more than enough.