Yesterday, on an 8 hour ride, a few things came together for me about my own motivation.
I entered three 24 hour races in the past 12 months and finished none of them. If nothing else, I spent a lot of money traveling places just to DNF.
I didn't feel the least bit `bad' about DNF'ing three big events in a row. THAT is what really got me thinking about motivation.
Why did I put all that time and money into something that, when I DNF'd, it wasn't a problem?
On two of the 24 hour events my DNF was, what I consider, `legitimate. That is I didn't have the physical resources to finish (another story). However, this last February was different. I stopped after 14 hours because `it wasn't worth it.'
Not `worth' it?!
And no sense of disappointment in myself after DNF'ing?!
Here is where you, the reader, may want to stop reading. Although this is about `motivation' it has to do with MY motivation. Maybe generalizable to you. Maybe not.
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Work in process. That's how I consider myself these days.
First, I've learned not to be so vulnerable to other's opinion of me or my actions. We can call it many things but `maturity' is probably the most accurate.
Second, my own temperament. We each have a `temperament' and psychological research suggests that there is a great deal of heritability to temperament. I have a low tolerance for most people, despite my profession. When younger I tended to try to change people. Now, older and more mature, I realize that is disrespectful and pointless.
Finally, I am concerned about what only a very few people think of me or my actions. (And, if their opinion of me is based on my cycling performance ... we've both made a mistake).
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Several years ago I gave an interview about why I was doing the Race Across the West - RAW (which I ultimately didn't finish). The interviewer stated that it was a certainty that I would finish. I corrected him, stating that "if I knew I could do it I wouldn't." ?!!
RAW, to me, was an unanswered question. Did I have it in me to finish? I found out that I did not have sufficient training to finish. The lesson was that Ultracycling is harder than I thought. And if I wanted to be successful at it I would have to devote more time and resources to training.
I subsequently put in more time and devoted more resources to my training. I completed a few events (including a 24 hour race) that had never been before on a recumbent.
More important, however, I learned what it takes to successfully complete significant Ultracycling events.
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The 24 hour event that I ended after 14 hours because it wasn't `worth it' confirmed to me what I said several years earlier: If I knew I could do it I wouldn't. I knew that I could successfully complete the 24 hour event. So I stopped when the `pain v. benefit' equation became apparent.
Why, then, did I devote so much time and effort to the 24 hour event?
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So this is what I have learned about myself, so far.
- My real motive for the race was `social.'
- I wanted to meet the people I had communicated with for years but never `saw.'
- I wanted to spend time with a few old friends I missed.
- I wanted to see the 24 hour course that so many people had talked about.
What a surprise.
Surprised because I recognized that the core source of motivation for me is consistent: Only a challenge that is mammoth, the outcome of which I am uncertain, is `worth it.' ("If I knew I could do it I wouldn't.")
Surprised that I was interested in the people of the event. A `social' appeal?! This realization is counter to all the psychological defenses I have built to keep from being hurt by other's opinion of me. It counters my `hermit' temperament.
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So, what am I going to do differently, now that I have conscious awareness of the topography of my motivation?
Well, first, I'm going to admit that I am more social than I have allowed. Deconstructing some defenses is scary, but `worth it.'
Then I'm going to be more careful about choosing cycling challenges. It turns out that I live in a location that has no end to cycling challenges. Is it `worth it' to me to attempt these challenges knowing that social approval and prestige are unlikely to be gained? A `private' challenge.
Then there is, for me, the moral component of this. Training for and spending money on events that I ultimately don't really care about has implications.
An intense training plan means that I short-change family and friends. When I'm training I'm absent. When I'm not training I'm tired and not much of a friend or husband.
Money is not for free. Without going into detail it is a moral `thing' for me to not `waste' money that other people deservedly need. Hotels, gasoline and road food ... these are not socially appropriate uses of money.
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